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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
11:35 pm
It occurs to me that I must have a particular attraction to power. Though nearly opposites in most ways, including the manifestation of their power, they both possess a great deal of it.

I must wonder what that says about me, as a man and as a lover.

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Sunday, January 26th, 2003
10:20 am
I've begun thinking. Perhaps I have been too uptight with him, when it comes to romantic practices. Or perhaps I should say extra-romantic practices.

He used to sleep with any number of men or women, and none of them were jealous. None of them felt threatened, because there was nothing to threaten - they were not in a relationship, but simply sleeping with him.

And I must admit, although there is no one I love so deeply as him, no one I would want to wake in the middle of the night to hold and to comfort, there is another I want.

Would it be so terrible? It was with his blessing the first time, out of anger the second. I don't imagine he would begrudge me a third, particularly if it gave him a bit of leeway to do as he pleased with others.

As for that, the idea doesn't make me furious, as it used to. Perhaps we've grown comfortable enough with each other after all this time that it is not necessary. Or perhaps my usual feelings of inadequacy are talking... Of course I am not enough, and how could I be? Why should he be satisfied with only me?

Or it could simply be that I understand now why someone might want to stray without there being any ill will, or boredom, or a lessening of feelings for the other. Only... greed, I suppose, when everything else is stripped away.

But it is not a greed that can harm anyone if no one objects, is it?

Naturally, this is all theoretical. The other has someone of his own who would more than likely object, and he is gone besides. I wonder if he will return.

My apologies for not writing. For a long time now, I've had nothing to say, or if I have, I have been reluctant to say it.

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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
2:38 pm
I thought I would miss him terribly. It does seem much more subdued around here than it has been for some time, with both him and Gremio gone, but on the other hand things are much less hectic, and much quieter.

It's times like this that I envy him and Flik, for having a place to escape to, away from everyone else. I had the thought earlier today that it would be nice for Sydney and I to have a home of our own, where we could do whatever we liked whenever we liked. Of course, the last bit is impossible now, with a child of our own and a boy I've grown to care for as my own blood as well. In the place we once lived, the father would have little to do with a family life - he'd have gone about his business as usual while the mother reared the children - and I'd never thought about the impact on our personal lives so much. Not that I object - I would much rather remain close and involved. Besides, when there are two fathers, the old ways don't quite suffice...

Perhaps we need a vacation, at some point. The two of us, alone, with nothing to occupy our time but each other. Of course, I would not want to remain away long from family or friends, new or old. But there are times, like today, that the idea of simply running away from everything seems quite appealing. Nothing is particularly troublesome, not in the least, but the daydreams come regardless.

A young woman by the name of Miang sent me this particular song, though I don't know her well. We may have some similar tastes, it seems.

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Sunday, October 6th, 2002
10:41 pm
...And then there are times when I wonder how I could ever have thought even for a moment of anyone else.

His nightmares seemed to subside for a time, but now they are returning. But it is not only nightmares that trouble him - sometimes his distress comes only from the thoughts of his heart when he lies awake in the darkness, and that is a way in which I can feel close to him. With the changing seasons, the Dark grows stronger, and he feels it more deeply, he sees more than usual. And usually there is not much pleasant for it to show.

A few nights ago it was the pain of the world, or so he confessed, and as I am of the world, it was enough for him to take away any thoughts of pain... at the risk of sounding coarse, I would be the world anytime at all for him if he is to soothe it in that manner.

Today he asked me specifically not to accompany him while he left for his meditations and prayers. I stayed home, as requested, but could not help looking for him at moments... I found him in the kind of condition he no doubt did want me to see, and so I forced my attentions to Seth and Joshua instead.

Washuu has taught Seth to talk. Not in sentences yet, or even a useful vocabulary, but he says a few words. It's early for him, despite his accelerated rate of maturity, and so I was rather shocked upon her arrival in the kitchen, wherein she pointed at me and asked Seth who it was, and he replied "Daddy." She claimed she'd seen galaxies smaller than the smile on my face.

Joshua seems to be a bit troubled of late, and has sunk into watching fantasy movies over and over. He does not smile much, but he never says a word of complaint. Of course, he never says a word at all. I've asked if something is wrong, and he simply shakes his head. He seems content enough, so long as I am there to hold him as he watches his movies, so perhaps it's jealousy? I've never understood why he does not talk - any shock from his abduction should have worn off by now, and he certainly does not lack the intelligence to speak.

Anyhow, my life at the moment is quite pleasant. If I could make it so for those I care for, it would be far more pleasant, I imagine.

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Sunday, August 25th, 2002
2:17 am
So... he told me that he will be even more manipulative and controlling if it will keep me safe.

He's wonderful, really.

And terribly creative when he's determined about something. After last night, I don't believe I'll ever be able to look at grapes in the same way again.

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Sunday, August 18th, 2002
5:46 am
What a nightmare. It started off as a harmless enough dream, if a bit embarrassing... he and I were in our bed, I asked that he touch me... and he did so. But the hands that touched me were not the flesh I sometimes dream of, or the hands Ashley made for him recently, or the blades he had when first we met. The pain they imparted was not pleasurable in the least, and different somehow.

He rolled us over, so that he was on top of me, and claws dug into my shoulders - not his blades, but claws like the talons of a dragon, and there was a wild, intense look in his eyes. He opened his mouth in a snarl, and his face twisted and became grotesque - his teeth were a row of jagged fangs, his tongue like that of a lizard, his eyes grew glassy and strange... and the claws began to rip into my chest.

I woke to find him lying beside me peacefully, as lovely as ever, but somehow I could not stay there.

I don't know what the matter is - there was a time when I'd have thought it was some repressed hostility towards him, but I believe we've worked all that out. This very afternoon, he showed me a kindness and understanding (or what passes as it for him) that proves he is no monster. Still, I can't get the image out of my mind, of his face as it changed in my dream. Even if I must admit there is someone else who has crept into my waking dreams often of late, I know I have no reason to hate or fear him.

I'm glad that at least I've never been the one who needs to worry whether or not my dreams are merely dreams.

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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
6:25 am
Joshua came to my door an hour or so ago, sniffling - it seems he had a nightmare of some sort. You'd think that at least a boy his age could be free of this particular plague.

But in a sense, I was glad to have the excuse to leave my bed and sit with him on the sofa until he fell asleep again in my arms. Sometimes more than the intense passion that seems to be what passes for "love" so often, I prefer the innocent affection a child has to offer. There are no sly games, there is no deceit, there is no play for power - only gentleness and trust.

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Sunday, August 11th, 2002
4:30 am
I wish that I could do things the way he does them. I wish that I could react (or not react, depending on the circumstances) the way he reacts. I wish that I could do as I pleased, or at least as he pleases.

I suppose that I wish I was like him, but I'm not as strong as he is. An irony...

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Thursday, August 8th, 2002
10:58 am
It occurs to me that my life on nearly every level is a struggle between achieving complete control and being completely under someone else's. The captain for a good king, perhaps, though I could not say if such a thing as a "good king" exists outside of fairy tales.

I suppose it's a good thing that I have someone who, on so many of those levels, can take utter control of me any time I request it, giving me a manner of both.

I suppose.

(And you, get out of my head. It was a terrible mistake, and one I do not intend to repeat. Even if sometimes it seems that I would like to.)

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Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
4:48 pm
So much has happened, but at the moment there's only one thing I can think of to say...

Dear gods, but there is nothing like waking up to your lover pulling your clothes off of you.

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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
8:14 am
He made his confession to me tonight. He did not tell me what is wrong, exactly, but he told me enough that now I know it was all for me, and it went out of control.

He told me that he can't be sure how much longer he has. He told me that I might have back the freedom I surrendered to him.

Does he honestly think I want freedom? I don't know what the hell I would do with such a thing anymore - the concept terrifies me.

I don't know what to do. I can't do anything, to be honest - I'm more helpless in this situation than I was even when it was my brother who was ill. This cannot be solved by throwing money at it, and I could run through the whole of this land shouting for someone to help him, but I would get no answer.

Where are his gods?

I've been away from his side too long already, but I don't believe I could have lay there any longer without going mad from trying to keep my worry inside, so that it doesn't disturb his rest. I can hardly stand the thought of missing a single moment, though, if what he says is true.

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Monday, July 8th, 2002
9:00 pm
Few things actively scare me anymore... somehow he still manages to.

In this instance, it's an unusual illness. He's not been entirely well nearly since he returned from wherever it was he vanished to a few weeks past. He still hasn't bothered to tell me where he went, but I suspect it may have something to do with whatever's wrong with him.

I suspect many things, one of those being that he's not being entirely honest when he says he doesn't know what's wrong. He suggested it might be some common virus, but in the years I've been with him, I've never seen him succumb to any normal illness. What this reminds me of most is the way he is after a particularly intense prophecy, or when the gods speak through him, but never has it been so severe, or so long-lived. I can't even tell if his ravings are some kind of vague prophecies, or hallucinations.

Today he fainted - he even seemed to stop breathing for a moment - while we were... doing things it would be impolite to state. I felt horribly guilty at first, for I knew he'd been ill - but he nearly ordered me, after I expressed concern. He's trying so hard to act as if nothing is wrong, but I would have to be blind not to see it. I will be more stubborn next time.

(How many times have I said that, only to cave in to him?)

Joshua has been helping me to care for him. He brings water, he brings cloths, he stands by to offer me anything I might require. Each time I thank him, he replies to the praise with a delighted smile. He's such a good lad; I'm grateful to have him near.

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Sunday, July 7th, 2002
4:51 am
Something to ease the terminal insomnia.

lyrical surveyCollapse )

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Sunday, June 16th, 2002
11:29 am
It's been some time since I've written here... it seems like longer. Little has happened that I've felt like talking about.

This morning, little Seth gave me quite the shock. I'm not sure I should say anything openly, because I'd very much like to ask Sydney about it first; let's just say he did something very, very unexpected, which possibly confirms a suspicion we've had about him.

Sydney is not here, however. At first I wasn't concerned enough to scrye for him, but now he has been gone without any word for three days, and the Sight cannot find him. This is unusual, to say the least. Either he has purposely made it so I cannot find him, or someone else has, which may mean he's in trouble. (How foolish is it to be worried for the immortal?)

I didn't know that today was Father's Day until I was looking for Laguna and was informed by Kain that he'd gone to visit his son. So strange that this should come to pass today, of all days. I only wish Sydney were here to share it. And perhaps explain it, for it baffles me.

Honestly, I just wish Sydney were here. The last few nights, I've found that it is nearly impossible for me to sleep alone, without the sound of his breathing and the slight weight of his body on the other side of the bed, or in my arms. Childish as it may sound, I managed to rest for a few hours by holding his pillow in his place - it is something to hold, at least, and it has the scent of him.

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Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
3:23 am
I suppose I've been something of a frustration recently. My apologies to those who have had to go out of their way in the last week...

Things seem to be improving. A lot of it was the idea that I'd finally said so many of the things I'd wanted to say for so long, to anyone at all, but held back. Now that it's been put out in the open, all the details of what drove me to do the things I've done... it's as if nothing is left for me. Nothing to drive me onwards.

Slowly I'm becoming used to the fact that although that was the life I once lived, it is no more. He has shown that to me more than anyone, ironic as it is; most of the regrets I've allowed myself to think upon for the last few years involve him. They're easier for me to deal with than the others, since I always had the option to walk away, and it was always clearly my decision not to.

But I have changed. He has changed. Despite all the pain it has caused us along the way, my love for him has only grown stronger. I would say "our love" if he was not so sensitive of the word - even now he refrains from saying it often, and it is always a gift when he does. Though he says little of the matter in words, his actions speak clearly enough.

I think if I had known then what we were to endure together, as much as I wanted to remain with him, I would have run. He managed to break me even when I believed that there was nothing left to break. I still don't fully understand why he does some of the things he does, much less the things he used to do, but we've each seen the darkest side of the other, and lived - and loved - to think upon it.

As for me, I'm beginning to think that perhaps now is the time when we should have something more concrete than thoughts. As much as he shuns anything implying that we have something that could be given a name, lately he's given me the impression that he might not be averse to the idea...

I'm not sure what I might do if he was, though. Especially as my emotional state has been less than stable lately, and that in itself is an adequate reason not to say anything yet. I may just be clinging to him as I did so long ago.

He will scarcely allow me to leave his side, these past few days. Not out of selfishness, but out of concern for my wellbeing. It makes me wonder how many times in the past he has done the same, and I only interpreted it as selfishness, being less familiar with him than I am now.

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Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
6:27 pm
Or...

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight into the shining sun

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2:39 pm
Won't hear a sound
From my mouth
I've spent too long
On the inside out
My skin is cold
To the human touch
This bleeding heart's
Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all away
I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming round
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out
For the day
When all the clouds
Have blown away
I'm with you now
Can speak your name
Now we can hear
Ourselves again

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Friday, May 17th, 2002
7:39 am
Things have certainly changed quickly.

So much has happened, and most of it I do not wish to speak of. Too many people know for my liking already, and it has passed. Life is approaching normal again, and it seems the light is always brightest just after the vanquishing of the night.

As usual, it was Viktor who set me straight, but Sydney has been kinder than I might have thought possible once. He's beautiful, so beautiful... terrible and beautiful and surprisingly quicksilver when he wishes to be. He knows my heart and understands me more than anyone, and though of course that could be attributed to his talent, I feel he would not delve so deeply if he did not want to know me through and through, else I would have long ago become tiresome for him. I wish I could do the same, for he is so cautious with what he gives of himself, and I should like to know him as well as he knows me. Even if I do know him better than any alive, it is still not enough... I suppose that proves what I've believed for so many years - I love him.

Gods, but I love him.

It seems I worried nearly everyone, and I feel badly about that... a few days past, when I finally forced myself to take a meal with the others instead of alone, or only with him, Joshua was in my lap with arms around my neck almost before I'd seated myself at the table. It took a great deal of convincing and telling him that no, he'd done nothing wrong, before he settled down enough to eat his own dinner. I suppose more than Viktor, it should be Joshua who keeps me from this, by the knowledge that he cares so deeply and so unconditionally, and he understands more than a lad his age should.

I've been feeling much older than I am for years, but at the moment, I somehow feel younger. Sydney's doing, no doubt, and not by any conscious works on his part - just by being himself. I've admitted that at times, it is not his arms I wish to feel around me, but there is no one I would rather have within my arms than he.

Though somehow he's talked me into recompensing him for the worry and trouble of the last week by giving an honest try to that blasted machine in the living room, for once. The things we do for our love...

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Sunday, May 12th, 2002
10:02 am
In all the trouble of the past few days, particularly last night's trouble, it had slipped my mind that today is Mother's Day, until I was reminded by Laguna. (Knowing him, I suspect he forgot as well until he saw the advertisements in today's paper.) My own mother has been gone now for so long that I've not thought much about it for many years.

But this year, there is a mother I'd gladly pay a visit to, if I wasn't certain that she would turn me away, as she has turned away all others since leaving our child on the doorstep. Sylvia... if you still read this journal, I have more reasons than Mother's Day to speak with you, and I would welcome the opportunity as soon as possible. Though you say that Sydney and I have the greatest claim to Seth, I know that he also belongs to you, even if only in the sense that you carried him for us (though I'm beginning to doubt that is the extent of it). Though he has two parents at present, you could be his one mother, if you wished it, and we would not deny you that title.

...As I said, last night was difficult. I've yet to sleep, and it seems unlikely that I will, what with Laguna and James performing their antics in the living room. Perhaps I can take one of the empty rooms upstairs for the afternoon...

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Thursday, May 9th, 2002
11:42 pm
I had a dream that I was killing him. I knew the entire time that he was immortal, but for some reason I needed to kill him, and later he would regain his health, and then I would kill him again.

I ran him through with my sword repeatedly, but did not manage to strike what should have been a killing blow, no matter how many times I struck. Finally someone took my free hand, pulling me back, and demanded to know what I was doing. I'm not certain who it was, but when they spoke, suddenly I saw what I had done; I saw him crumpled to the floor, clutching the wounds that dominated his chest and stomach, coughing up blood...

I don't know why I was trying to kill him in the first place, but all I'd managed to do was cause him severe pain. And I could not leave the job unfinished, or the pain would not pass. Again I began striking him, and with each blow the guilt weighed upon me more heavily.

The guilt did not go away upon my waking. Why would I dream such a thing...? There have been times that I would have considered it to be a likely subconscious desire, but why now?

On the contrary, it was the dream and the guilt it brought me which prompted me to ask things of him, the same things that might have inspired such dreams in the past. He indulged me, he abused me in just the way I asked... but as I requested it, was it him abusing me, or me abusing myself? All I know is that at the moment I loathe both him or myself.

This is such a time when I would normally go to Viktor, but I cannot.

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